


The Reward

by ForcedSimile



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Gen, Post Titan War, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForcedSimile/pseuds/ForcedSimile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was it. This was what they fought for. So what would it take for them to finally enjoy it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was a lot of preparation involved in this expedition. Maps drawn, plans made, food packed and rationed, equipment gathered. But there were no uniforms. No crowd of jeering (or cheering) people to see them off (unless you counted Moblit and the kids from the 104th class). There was no objective. Moblit didn’t even ask them to map where they traveled (though Hange was going to anyway). They were only given a government mandated year long recovery period for long time veterans. In Erwin’s mind a year was not long enough to even begin to recover from the horrors they lived through, but it was all Moblit could convince the higher ups to concede to. After all there was a whole new world free of titans to explore, and the Survey Corps were the only people who knew anything about it.

All Erwin wanted to do was freely ride through the land he’d once fought on and actually enjoy the scenery. He didn’t know how to react when Hange invited herself, but he was glad she did. And Levi seemed to worm his way in and although he feigned indifference, it was clear he was also interested in exploring. So it was agreed between them: they’d ride out as far as they felt like it and just relax and camp as they saw fit. It was a fitting way to start off their year. Or so Erwin believed.

It was strange, eerie even to just casually ride out of the walls, to see people building homes and cultivating farms. Hange, who was usually very talkative at the beginning of an expedition was silent, just looking at everyone and everything and Levi was watching her. Her lips were a thin line as she watched the goings on around her. Thankfully, it seemed that the less people they saw, the more she spoke. It was almost as though she were more afraid of the humans she fought to save than the titans she killed.

When they were a few miles out, when there were no more people to be seen, she was talking non stop. Levi rolled his eyes, but Erwin was glad she was herself.

“Permission to ride ahead, Commander!” she cried.

“I’m not ‘Commander’ right now. Go ahead, just stay within sight,” he said.

She laughed and urged her horse forward, letting out a wild holler as she rode ahead. It was a bizarre feeling to Erwin. For once, the wind in his hair from the meadow did not immediately fill him with caution. True, instead of titans, there were other animals to worry about. But those could be handled far more easily.

Erwin noted Levi was far less at ease.

“Come on, Levi. Breathe in that fresh air,” Erwin said. Levi grunted and kept his eyes on Hange.

“You both are fucking nuts,” he said.

They didn’t talk much. Even when they set up camp for the night, Hange did most of the talking. Levi poked at the fire and responded appropriately when prompted and Erwin wrote in his journal. He didn’t have much to say. He found it odd that he was censoring himself in a journal that no one will probably read. There was no one clawing to know his secrets anymore. But he shot a glance at Hange and Levi. Levi who had his head on Hange’s shoulder, utterly exhausted, his eyes half lidded as he nodded while she spoke. Hange, who’s loud and animated tone, had gotten much gentler and softer. He had never seen Levi express fatigue so clearly and he only rarely saw Hange’s gentler side. Sometimes when she consoled younger soldiers he saw it. Sometimes when she spoke with Moblit or Levi, or when she used speak with Mike and Nanaba he saw traces of it. And Levi...sometimes Erwin had the bad habit of forgetting Levi was human and needed to sleep. But Levi’s crisp sheets belied the idea that he very rarely slept in his bed, if he slept at all. Maybe the years of sleep debt were catching up to him at that very moment.

Erwin couldn’t write as he watched Levi’s eyes finally close almost in defeat. Hange seemed to know he was sleeping, she rested her cheek on his head and held his hand. And she started humming a lullaby. Something about the scene made Erwin’s chest tight and he tried to focus on writing. He still wasn’t all that great at writing with his left hand, so it was a half way decent distraction.

He wanted them to have quiet moments like this. Erwin prayed to all deities that existed, were made up, dethroned, and unknown, that they took his advice, that they never regretted a decision. If anyone were to bear the weight, to feel the regret, to be punished in whatever the afterlife were to bring, it was him. And he’d carry it all for their peace.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi vowed to protect them. He was just so tired.

Levi planned to have constant vigil over Hange while they traveled. As long as there was daylight, he lived up to it, monitoring her every move. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care enough to make him stop. He hovered over her, a luxury he never had while they were on official expeditions. He was expected to lead his elite squad, Hange was expected to lead her research team. At the time, he was a soldier first and her protector second. Now he had the freedom of choice.

But for some reason, as soon as the sun went down, as soon as camp was set and they’d eaten and the fire was going, he would get extremely drowsy. It was then he let Hange talk about whatever plants she’d classified and drawn, or how well her map was turning out. It wasn’t that he didn’t care but he barely listened to her. Well, it was partially true. He honestly didn’t give a shit about whatever she talked about. He just wanted her to talk and he’d listen as best he could because he knew that was important. He’d always fall asleep by the fire. Nights were pleasant.

Mornings were not. They’d spent a little over a week scouting over what seemed like endless, hilly plains, and without fail, every single morning, he was awake a few hours before dawn. He would be carefully tucked in his bed roll in his tent, and he’d try to go back to sleep but there was no way he could. They were wide open and he couldn’t relax.

_Wide open against...what?_

Levi knew there was nothing to worry about, but he’d get dressed just the same and wait, just listening, just feeling for the vibration of giant footsteps. There was none. There’d never be any again. But he had to be watchful. Just in case. Erwin could not be of much help, and he had given up so much already. Hange didn’t need to be bothered with fighting, not anymore. It was all up to Levi to defend them, it was all he’d ever been good for. He was a killing machine and he could be that again for their safety.

By the end of the week, he couldn’t stay in his tent when he woke up. He was outside, lingering by his horse, who was also awake, with the same instinct. Levi held her face.

“Are you ready?” he said softly. “We have to protect them. Things haven’t changed much for us.”

He glanced back at their tents. He was glad someone could sleep through the morning on the open plain. Someone had to feel the effects of peace even if he didn’t. He pressed his forehead against his horse’s nose.

“We have to be ready at any minute, you hear?” he said. She nudged him and he grinned.

“Levi?”

He jumped and had his hand on his knife almost instantly. Hange was awake and dressed and had her hands up as a sign of peace. He took a deep breath and put his free hand on his chest, but kept his other hand with trembling fingers hidden under his cloak over the handle of his knife.

“Hey, calm down!” she said. “I just couldn’t sleep and I heard you talking to your horse so I came out to talk to you. I don’t really sleep early in the morning while we’re out here.”

She rubbed her arms. Levi let his hand fall away from the knife handle and clenched his fist to will away the shaking. So she wasn’t really at ease like he imagined.

“Erwin must be awake as well,” Levi said. As if on cue, he emerged from his tent. With his cloak on, it was almost as though he’d never lost his arm. But he had, and the fact that he was also awake in the darkest hours along with them said that his scars ran deeper than what anyone could see. No one could look each other in the eye, as though avoiding each other’s gaze would allow them to hide. But Levi knew this game was stupid and pointless. He’d wanted to believe for months that Hange and Erwin were okay, that they were pushing ahead no matter what like the titan days. He hadn’t been entirely wrong, they were pushing ahead, but doing so the same way they did during a time of war was not the way.

And there was nothing he could do to save them. There were no giant monsters for him to stab. He couldn’t shoot anyone in the face and then tell them they were safe now. He turned back to his horse.

“We have to get out of the plains,” he said.

Hange and Erwin nodded.

* * *

There was an immediate ease as soon as they entered the shade of the forest, almost the same as when they were first riding out. For one, the sun did not beat on them as much under the cover of the branches. Titans couldn’t advance as quickly.

_There are no titans._

Hange looked around, her eyes wide as she pointed to different birds she saw and trees. Levi tried to find a way to smile while she talked to him. But it was just so far beyond him. As much relief as he felt, there was something cold settling in his chest and he couldn’t shake it. It was hard for him to breathe. They stopped to set up camp and that always gave him something to do to distract himself. But he was slower about it, barely registering what he was doing. He woke from his daze, when a firm hand grabbed his wrist. He suddenly registered the pain in his left hand that was holding the tent pin. Levi’s eye twitched at the sensation and he looked up at the person holding him back. Steely grey met icy blue.

“You hit your hand a few times before I realized what you were doing,” Erwin said. Hange gently removed his hand from around the tent pin and held it, gently pressing for broken bones.

“I think there’s just some bruising and swelling,” she said. “I’ll put up your tent, maybe you should start the fire.”

“ _We’ll_ start the fire,” Erwin said.

“I’m not a child, I can do it,” Levi said. He stormed over to the pile of gathered wood and kindling and started set about getting the fire going. He was distracted. He couldn’t figure out why and not only was his hand killing him, he had a pounding headache. After Hange skinned and gutted some of the rabbits they caught for roasting, she left Erwin to grill them. She took Levi’s uninjured hand and they went for a walk. With Hange, a walk was hardly ever just a walk.

She pulled him over to a bush and made him kneel with her.

“See this? How many times have we passed these bushes and never noticed them! See these dark blue berries?” she said. She plucked a few and put them in his hand. He glanced at her.

“So...what about them?” he said.

“Eat one!”

He did, no questions. Maybe someone else might have asked if they were poisonous. Levi’s instincts from a childhood marked mostly by hunger did not stop him from eating anything. He trusted Hange enough to know she didn’t want to hurt him and probably ate some herself beforehand. She was eating some herself right now. They were pretty good. He popped a few more in his mouth. They were sweet and a bit tangy.

“I want to pick some for Erwin,” she said. She started putting some in a cloth sack she had. Levi helped her. He felt a little more relaxed when focused on the berries and bringing them back for Erwin. Levi thought Erwin should know what kinds of things they had opened up for the rest of the world. It was a small thing, but Erwin needed to lace his life with every benefit of being outside the walls. Levi didn’t want him to regret a single decision, not even the ones that caused others pain. Especially not the ones that caused Levi pain specifically. In the end, Levi felt whatever hurt him did not matter in the grand scheme of things.

“These aren’t that bad. What are you going to call them?” he asked.

“Well, I’m not sure. They might be already in some of the banned fauna books. So I have to wait until the Military Police release some of the books for study. I’m going to call them Bean Berries,” she said.

“Not after that stupid titan,” Levi said.

“He was not stupid. If this hasn’t been documented yet, I have to name it after him. It’s the only way I can make up for...”

She paused and Levi glanced over at her. Her hands were shaking, just a little. She crushed the berry she was picking, the juice was surprisingly red despite the blue color of the berry’s skin. He took her wrist and brought her hand to his mouth. He ate the remains of the berry and licked the juice from her stained fingers. He licked his lips and locked eyes with her as her face reddened. But the pain in her eyes was not gone. He picked another berry and brought it to her lips. She managed a half smile and ate it.

“Sonny Berries sounds nicer,” he said. “Save Bean for something else.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” she whispered.

When they had enough for a decent dessert, they headed back. They were just in time, Erwin had just finished roasting the rabbits. They ate, and Hange avoided Levi’s gaze and she didn’t speak much. She went to bed early. Erwin struggled to write in his journal and Levi just poked at the fire.

“Those berries were pretty good,” he said.

“I guess,” Levi said. “There’s some left if you want them.”

“I do,” Erwin said. Levi moved the bag between them. Erwin closed his notebook and ate. Levi absently ate a few himself, his eyes on Hange’s tent.

“Is she okay?” Erwin asked.

“I don’t think so,” Levi said.

Erwin sighed. “Is it about her research?” Levi didn’t answer and Erwin covered his eyes with his hand. “I know she was eager to experiment on titans, but she did so at my order. How could we have known...” Erwin said.

“There was no way. If Eren hadn’t joined the Survey Corps we might not have known for another few years. What she did and what you told her to do was needed at the time.”

Erwin nodded. “I know. I just don’t want her to feel like any of that was her fault. There’s nothing for her to make up for.”

Their fingers brushed against each other as they both reached for the same berry. They crushed it, and their fingers were covered in red juice. Erwin sighed and fumbled for his handkerchief. Levi had his ready. Erwin licked the juice.

“There’s still some left, give me your hand,” Levi said. He dried Erwin’s fingers before attending to his own. “You’re part of the reason we’re all out here now.”

He couldn’t leave Erwin wallowing in his dark thoughts. Levi knew the consequences of doing that to yourself.

“You helped too. I couldn’t have done it without you,” Erwin said. Levi shot him something that wasn’t quite a glare. He was confused over Erwin’s gratitude. Anyone could have done what he did. Mikasa would have done if Levi was ever out of commission. Levi rubbed his ankle, which still throbbed now and then. He was starting to see the cracks in himself. He never believed he was invincible, he’d lived too close to death to think that way. But he’d known he was fairly resilient. It was frightening to think that was starting to fade. He was hardly a young man anymore. It wouldn’t be long until his looks betrayed his age as well. At least he was fading when the war was over.

“I did what was needed,” Levi said. “You should rest soon.”

“I’m not done writing. You should turn in first, I can douse the fire on my own,” Erwin said. Levi raised his eyebrows.

“Suit yourself,” he said. He got up and started for his tent. His eyes lingered on Hange’s before he went into his. He strained to hear sobs, but thankfully there were none. He was greeted with light snoring. He was relieved to some degree and went into his tent to do his best to sleep. Sleep came easier than before, though he didn’t sleep as long as Erwin or Hange. But he welcomed resting longer, he felt he was long overdue.

* * *

He woke up before dawn again. But he could hear the soft sound of Hange’s snoring still. Her snoring was light, more like cat purring, though it would get louder on other nights. Erwin could get pretty bad sometimes too, it all depended on how tired they were. But Levi slept as silent as a stone, and he dreamt like one too, which is to say he almost never did.

He didn’t get dressed this time around, he just put on his cloak and boots and decided to go for a short walk. The sun was a smudge on the horizon, so he didn’t wake up as early as he used to when they were on expeditions. This was an improvement. He breathed in the morning air, but somehow, even though the crisp, coolness burned his lungs, he didn’t feel refreshed. He almost felt sick to his stomach. The smell from the trees was almost intense and made the otherwise relaxing moment colored with...something slick and unpleasant. The grass tickled the exposed skin on his legs. The same way the grass brushed against Erd’s skin as he...

Levi pressed a hand on a tree trunk and his stomach lurched as he gagged. This wasn’t the same forest. _That_ forest was much closer to the walls and all three of them haven’t been able to even look in that direction in a while. He didn’t want to remember Petra, Oluo, Erd, and Gunter like that. He didn’t want to remember throwing their bodies off of the back of the wagon to slow the advance of the titans. But he did. And as the sun rose higher in the sky, the lighting in the forest was similar to when he found their bodies. It rushed back, the smells, the sights, and Levi couldn’t hold it back any more. He got on his knees and threw up. It felt like hours until he was finished, but he knew it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and walked as far away from his mess as possible before he sat down at the base of another tree and covered his ears and hid.

But the smells of the forest, with its similar trees and plants was too familiar. He tried to hold his breath, but he couldn’t do that for long. He cowered closer to a bush. The smell from it was different. He opened his eyes. Sonny Berries. They weren’t there in the forest where they died. The sweet smell was inviting, and he ate a few to distract his other senses. The taste made him think of Hange, and her enthusiasm. She’d repay her fallen comrades and those killed in her experiments by naming them after plants she discovered. Erwin could repay people by using his money to help their loved ones, maybe settling down and naming a few kids after the dead. The taste reminded him of the hope for the future that his friends had.

But what could he do for his dead? He wasn’t sure he’d ever have children, he was afraid to. He wouldn’t know what to do with a child if he had one. He had enough money to live, but not much to help others. He wasn’t going to discover anything ground breaking. What future did he have?

“Levi!”

It was Erwin. He heard Hange running around, she was never quiet. He stood up and made himself visible. Hange ran for him and all but snatched his face in her hands.

“I saw your puke, and you look pale! Did the Sonny Berries make you sick?” she asked.

“No. I was just eating some more right now,” he said. Erwin caught up with them.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“I’m fine. I just wanted a minute to myself,” Levi said.

“You’re not falling ill, are you?” Erwin asked.

“No.”

“We can rest here if you need to,” Hange said.

Levi froze and his eyes got wide. “No. Not here.”

She blinked rapidly and looked to Erwin. Levi pushed her hands away from him.

“Don’t do that. I’m fine,” Levi said. Hange said nothing and held his hand. He pulled it out of her grasp, but she grabbed his wrist and made him sit on the ground. Erwin sat next to them. She picked a handful of berries before she held them out.

“Here. Let’s eat a few more before we go back to camp,” she said. Erwin took a few.

“Hold out your hand, Levi,” he said. Levi sighed in exasperation but did as asked. Erwin dropped them in his hand. Hange grinned and took a few berries in her free hand and held them up to Erwin.

“Come on,” she said. He snorted and managed a sort of smile before he ate right from her hand. They ate together for a little while, returned to camp and packed up. Maybe they knew he would barely last another day there, maybe they didn’t. But Levi was glad to leave with them. He lingered behind on his horse and Erwin and Hange spoke softly to each other some distance ahead. He was too tired to force his way over and join the conversation.

He was just too tired.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So what are your plans for when we go back?”

Up until recently, Hange ate, breathed, and slept titans. Now she needed to weed them out almost completely. Almost. When she returned to the barracks, she was commissioned to compile all her work into a comprehensive book. She was cheating and asked Moblit to do her one last favor and do most of the organizing for her. That way all she’d have to do is focus on the letters and write the manuscript. She didn’t want to think about the information anymore, what she’d learned, what she’d done to learn it. If it were purely up to her, she’d burn everything. But she supposed she ought to do the opposite of the people she despised, the people who hid vital information and oppressed people for over a century.

She planned on dedicating a few weeks to the book. When the book was going to be printed, she insisted that they only put “H.Z.” on the cover. She didn’t want her full name associated with it. With so much in the new world to learn, it would only be a matter of time until she had something new to study, something new to put her name to. So when Erwin told her he was leaving the walls just to go exploring, she invited herself. She was certain she’d find something out there worth studying. The animals, the plants, the terrain, anything.

There were plenty of things to observe, and while she particularly enjoyed the fauna, she found she was fond of the company as well. Outside of a military setting, Levi and Erwin weren’t too bad to be around. They just seemed...tired. Levi seemed tired for a long before the war was over. Now, he was more prone to sleeping. She didn’t remember Levi sleeping all that often. Even when they shared a room when they were running away with Eren and the other kids, Levi was awake most of the night. She’d always wake up when he settled beside her. When he slept, she saw him utterly surrender. There was an aura of peace around him and she couldn’t help but inch a little closer. Maybe his dreams were terrifying, but she wouldn’t know. She felt privileged every time he rested his head on her shoulder. It’s why she talked so much in the evening. It always put him to sleep.

Their time away was coming to a close. All she wanted to do was see a large body of water. She knew the ocean was pretty far off, they’d never get there, not with all the meandering they were doing. But she wanted to see a lake, a pond, something. She wanted to just jump in and swim. There was a small pond near her home growing up, so she learned how to swim fairly young. Hange promised herself that the first body of water she saw is where she’d live. She didn’t care how far away it was from people, she was going to live there. Leave the titans behind. Leave behind the idea that she tortured helpless people for the sake of humanity.

She didn’t know how Erwin managed the feelings of guilt. She was getting the idea that he barely got by the more she was with him. Of the three of them, he slept the least. She could hear him wake up in the middle of the night. Whereas Levi was finally getting the rest he deserved, Erwin got progressively less sleep. It started to show on his face, darker circles under his eyes to rival Levi’s. He stopped shaving. It was when he stopped shaving that it hurt her the most. Because his beard made her think of Mike. Did he think the same, whenever he saw his reflection in the water? She wanted to run her hand over his rough cheeks, but refrained. They were not commander and subordinate any more, but she sensed a distance she could not cross. She didn’t dare touch Erwin as often as she did Levi. Levi was always close and accessible to her, Erwin wasn’t.

It was her turn to make breakfast. Under the cover of a few small, sparse trees, they made their camp. The light through the filter of the leaves was tranquil. Levi joined her first. He didn’t say anything, just took a swig of water and watched her. She smiled.

“Good morning,” she said. He glanced up and nodded. “How’d you sleep?”

“I’d sleep better if you didn’t snore,” he said. Hange laughed.

“Sorry, can’t help it.” He snorted and took another drink. “I’m making tea. Do you want some?”

He nodded. She liked watching him drink tea. It was odd, to be sure, but the way his elegant fingers rested across the lip of the cup and the way he’d lift his chin just slightly as he drank were threads of grace. She had very little finesse about her movements, and Levi was smooth and catlike.

“Wait until you see all the drawings I’ve done of the plants I found! You fell asleep before I could show you last night! I can’t wait to get my samples home! I want to know if we can use them for anything,” she said.

“Like what?” he asked.

“Oh, medicine, seasonings for food, tea...” she said.

“What if one gives you a rash?” he asked. She snorted and rubbed her bandaged arm.

“Just because I found that one doesn’t mean that all unknown plants are dangerous!”

“Did you put more medicine on it?”

“I did before you woke up and rebandaged it.”

“Good. Don’t go eating plants only to find out they’re poisonous and kill instantly.”

“How will I know if they’re poison if I don’t eat them?”

“Give them to someone you hate,” he said.

Hange stopped cooking for an instant. In other words: experiment on someone. She couldn’t put another person’s life on the line. Never again. The only person who should be put at risk was herself. It was her work, her desire for discovery, she should be the one to pay the price. So many people paid the price for her knowledge before, she wasn’t going to let it happen again.

“Just know, I’ll be suspicious if you give me strange food to try,” Levi said. She managed a small laugh before turning back to the oatmeal. Erwin emerged from his tent and waved.

“Good morning, you two,” he said. Levi glared as he sat next to him.

“Oi, you look a mess. You didn’t even finish buttoning your shirt and your collar’s all over the place. And you need a fucking shave you look like you haven’t seen civilization in years,” Levi said.

“Thank you, I slept well, Levi,” Erwin said. “You can fix my collar, but leave the shirt. I want to feel the last bits of freedom I have before I return to the daily grind.”

“Moblit’s pretty much taken over,” Hange said. “Not much for you to do.”

“I’m still his advisor, I want to be as available as possible.”

“Well, you’re shaving before we get back,” Levi said.

“Fine, fine. I guess I want to look slightly presentable. But I have the entire year off, I might grow my beard again. You really can’t stop me.”

Levi sucked his teeth and Erwin chuckled.

“You have the year off and you still talk about going back to work,” Hange said.

“What can I say? I’ve been working since I joined the Survey Corps, I can’t really turn it off right away,” Erwin said.

“I sure did,” Hange said.

“The hell you did. You were literally just talking about your field notes. You both are fucking work-a-holics,” Levi said.

Erwin and Hange laughed this time.

“But you’re totally right, Levi,” Erwin said.

Hange started to serve up breakfast. Could any of them really relax? That was yet to be seen.

“What should we do today?” Levi asked.

“I want to scout around some more,” Hange said. Which was code for, she wanted to see if they could find water. A few streams was nothing. She wanted something she could swim in for real. Levi was able to catch fish in some of the larger streams. He was a remarkably good spear fisher. It was pretty impressive to see his battle instincts used for something less brutal. He deboned them with such care, Hange felt it was a shame for him to not have been on her research team.

The thought of her team alone struck her with such conflict, she had to get her mind off of it. She poked Levi in the ribs with her spoon. He grunted and inched away, closer to Erwin. She needed a reaction, something. She poked him again.

“Will you quit it?” Levi said. She giggled and poked him again and he grabbed her by the ponytail like the old days. “I said: stop it.”

“What’s the magic word?” she said.

“Or I’ll punch you,” he said.

“Now that’s not nice,” Erwin said.

Levi growled and released her. Levi’s threats were often idle. The truth is, she knew she’d have to back him into a corner and the very fate of humanity had to be at stake in order to for him to even think of hurting her. When breakfast was finished, she doused the fire and they lounged around for a bit. The casual talk was weird, especially with Erwin. She was used to joking with Levi, but she’d always been a touch more formal with Erwin. But now that he was out of the uniform, unshaven and slightly unkempt, she was finding it in herself to relax around him more.

“So what are your plans for when we go back?” she asked. “Aside from going back to work, Erwin.”

Levi shrugged. “I’ll deep clean my room I guess.”

“Well, that may take a day or two. But what else?”

“Psh. Guess I could get a hobby.”

Hange laughed. “You would be good at a lot of things.”

“Knitting. I’m going to take up knitting and knit you a ton of socks for your sweaty feet, Shitty Glasses.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet!”

“And maybe since Moblit has a real job, I can fill in as permanent Hange baby sitter.”

“Oh! Sounds fun!”

“I’ll make sure you take your baths and eat regularly.”

“What if I start doing that on my own?”

“I’ll organize your research notes.”

“They _are_ organized!”

“In neat folders that are stored in no particular order,” Erwin interjected.

“Erwin!”

“I’ve gotten your reports without Moblit’s filtering before, they’re organized in some sort of Hange code that I don’t understand,” Erwin said.

“See, you need me. Who else will decode your thought process?” Levi said.

“I could say the same for you,” Erwin said. Levi glared and took a long sip of his tea. “You both sort of need each other.”

“Well, what about you? Aside from work, what are you planning?”

Erwin smiled wistfully and looked off into the distance.

“I destroyed my family. I got my father killed because he chose to pass information on to me and I couldn’t keep it to myself. He was taken by the Military Police and never seen again. I want to honor him and make up all those years to mother who suffered so much. I want to start a family.”

Hange swallowed and she blinked back her tears. Starting a family was such a hopeful thing, but for Erwin it was laced with such pain. Could he look into his children’s eyes and not feel a pang of guilt for the father he let down? Would he see them enjoying their peaceful world and think of all the battles fought and losses he took? Could he look at his wife, whom he’s supposed to trust and confide in, and feel comfortable telling her anything about the life he lived during the war?

She’d long abandoned the idea of love. Who could she possibly appeal to? Most female soldiers shed their uniforms and became women. Hange shed her uniform and was female in label alone. She was treading a fine line between vaguely female and nothing. But what man could understand that? Maybe a woman would, but honestly Hange wasn’t sure she could subject anyone to the horrors she’d been through. Most of the women left who could understand her experiences were either attached to someone or much too young and hadn’t seen the same amount she had. Why exacerbate the troubles on a young woman’s mind or have her feel like it’s a competition to see who was more traumatized. It wouldn’t be fair to any one of any age or gender. That was well enough, she didn’t know if she could trust someone else anyway.

“What about you, Shitty Glasses?” Levi asked.

“What, me?” she said.

“No one else here is wearing glasses. What are you going to do with your free time?”

“Explore and research, of course. How else will you have notes to organize?” she said. Levi snorted. “And...I want to live outside the walls. I wanted to find a lake to live next to. I liked swimming as a child and I want to have that again. It was something you couldn’t enjoy during the Survey Corps. And a body of water means life.”

“You can row your boat out onto it and the Titans can’t get you,” Levi said.

Hange stared at him for a long time. He was still in combat mode. It was relaxing a bit to be sure, but he was always thinking of ways to survive a titan attack. She smiled at him, though it was sad.

“That’s true. But there’s also fish and other animals in the lake, most land animals need the water to survive, plants grow around it and in it. There’s so much life in the water. It’s crisp and refreshing in the summer, you can skate on it if you’re careful in the winter. I just want to be near water.”

She was almost afraid to look at them after she’d said all that.

“Damn, Hange. That’s almost poetic,” Levi said.

“You think so?” she said.

“It really is a nice thought,” Erwin said. “Before we go back, let’s see if we can find you a place to settle down.”

“I’m not settling down the way you are, y’know. That whole family thing is for someone who can handle it,” she said.

Erwin stood up. “But you deserve a place in this world just the same. You both do.”

Levi and Hange got up.

“You ready for our hike?” Erwin asked. Hange responded by running ahead and letting out a loud cry. Maybe the more she did that, the less they’d stop to think she was trying to distance herself to hide her tears and scream so she wouldn’t start sobbing.

* * *

They had no luck. A few cute streams here and there, and some very stagnant, smelly ponds, but nothing fresh like a lake. Though the ponds probably had a ton of interesting things living in them, she wanted more water and more space. But they started home just the same. Hange wasn’t especially disappointed. She had time to find what she wanted. The way home was uneventful. They planned on arriving at a different area of the wall, which allowed for more exploration. They were just about home, and Erwin had ridden some distance away. But he came riding back as fast as he could.

“I found a place to set up camp,” he said. “Come with me.”

She and Levi followed him. They rode over a meadow with a few flowery patches, there was a small wooded area and then...

Hange screamed in genuine excitement. She pulled her horse to a stop, jumped off and started tearing off her clothes. She didn’t get everything off, she still had on her pants and her bindings, but she jumped in the water just the same. For an instant she forgot all her pain and uncertainties. There was only the cool water over her skin. Her childhood memories of catching frogs and turtles flooded back. The time before they had to move into the city next to the walls, the time before titans. But without titans she wouldn’t have...

She swam back toward the shore, where Levi and Erwin had rolled up their pants so they could wade in the shallow water. Levi crossed his arms.

“You wasted no time, huh?” he said. There was no hostility or sarcasm in his tone. She splashed him when she came closer. He chanced a smile and she hugged him.

“I’m going to teach you how to swim,” she said.

“No. And you’re all wet and you making me cold,” he said. She squeezed him tighter.

“Yes, I’m definitely teaching you to swim. You’ll be amazing at it.”

She trudged toward Erwin and threw her arms around him.

“Thank you,” she whispered. He put his remaining arm around her. She wanted to remove her bindings before they got too tight. Her clothes were neatly hung over a low hanging branch and her horse was waiting for her. Those boys were way too thoughtful sometimes. She sighed as she looked over her shoulder. The lake, her friends, quiet, peace, and so many things to study and understand right at her fingertips. She’d found her new home.

**Author's Note:**

> (I wrote this before certain plot points happened and I didn't really intend to post this fic for a while. But I am salty about certain events and this is how I deal with said salt)


End file.
